This is an amazing lesson which was taught to me today by my beloved teacher and therapist Dr. Miriam Adahan.
She taught me today about how we are all born with an active and working "Baby Brain" located in the back of our head just above the neck (you can feel that spot if you like with your hand).
Then at age three, our frontal brain, located behind our forehead begins to develop until maturity at age twenty (that's why in the heavenly courts, one is not yet fully held accountable until he is age 20).
In any event, we then teach our children (and ourselves) to become aware of which brain we are using at any given time. If for example you cannot have your way and then you scream and shout and hit, etc. So then you are currently using your "Baby Brain." If on the other hand you can refrain from anger, listen to your parents, not bother or annoy someone, then you are using your "Mature Grown Up Brain."
In any event, you simply teach children to recognize that every behavior or reaction of theirs is a choice. They are either choosing to use their Baby Brain or their Grown Up Brain.
Today I was in a store with my 5 and 7 year old children. When I told the 5 year old that I would buy him something, right away the 7 year old demanded that she get something too. I told her that I really can only buy this one extra item, so would she like to use her grown up brain and decide to be OK with that. She right away looked at me and gave a a nod and a yes, I will use my Grown Up brain and let it go.
Then, after getting over my shock, I decided to test this further with my 5 year old. I told him, "I know that I told you just now that I would buy you this ball, but since I cannot also buy Chana something right now, would you like to use your Grown Up Brain and put the ball back?" So he looked at me and said, "OK!" That's it, he was over it in a matter of two seconds. And he even felt good about himself for making a good decision (which I right away reinforced with a few nice words to him).
Can you believe this, it really works!!!! And, I saved myself 40 shekels today :)
Below is a guideline for talking to people. This will also tremendously affect the behavior and success of everyone around you.
(I suggest printing it out and learning it and practicing it with whomever you can.)
All the best, Yehoshua
HOW TO TALK TO PEOPLE (adapted from Sarah Chana Radcliffe):
POSITIVE TATTLING: "I'm going to tell Tatty how you helped me, what a nice bracha you said, what a big chesed you did!" "I can't wait to tell Mommy what a huge victory you had." "I’m going to call Bubby and tell her that your smile bring joy wherever you go." “I’m going to tell your teacher that you didn’t whine or nag when I didn’t let you have what you wanted. I’m going to say how you were m’kabel ratzon Hashem.”
POSITIVE GENERALIZING: "You're always so considerate! You're so supportive. I can always count on you!" "You always know exactly the right gift to buy." "You bring joy wherever you go!" "Your smile lights makes everyone so happy." "You're so good at calming the baby down."
BRINGING UP THE PAST: "I can never forget how thoughtful you were." "Remember that time you were so courageous?"
POSITIVE LABELING/NAME CALLING: "You're the kind of person who never gives up!" "You're so kind and caring!" "You're a lot more powerful than you know!" "As usual, you came right on time! I appreciate so much that you were prompt." "You make great decisions!" "You always come up with the best ideas." "You really know how to listen. Thank you for your empathy."
POSITIVE EXCUSES: "Don't worry. I know you were just tired and stressed. You would never hurt me on purpose. I know you had no intention to hurt."
POSITIVE COMPLAINING: "You make such great food. I'm going to gain weight. You're so kind to the kids – I hope they'll know how to handle unkind people that they'll inevitably have to deal with."
POSITIVE BLAMING: "It's all my husband's fault that I'm happy; he keeps encouraging me to do what makes me happy!" "It's my wife's fault that I'm in such a good mood. She keeps complimenting me."
POSITIVE PEACE-MAKING: "You're right. Good point."
POSITIVE REPEATING: "I can't get over how brilliant that idea is. I keep thinking about that amazing victory."
POSITIVE IN-LAW COMMENTS: "You must have gotten that wonderful trait from you Mom/Dad."
POSITIVE STUBBORNNESS: "I'll never stop loving you."
WhAT NOT TO DO! SAY "NO" TO VERBAL ABUSE
Verbal abuse is known as ona'as devarim. Words or gestures of scorn, ridicule or contempt often causes victims to feel permanently defective and demoralized. Genuinely spiritual people can be recognized by their determination to avoid hurting others, even when – especially when! – they are under stress. To show disrespect to others is a severe sin. Recognize the signs of ona'as devarim:
· BLAMING: Take responsibility for your mental and physical health. Never say, "You make me crazy!" "You're killing me!" "I can't have the career I want because of you." "We're poor because of you."
· YELLING. Unless there is real danger, do not yell. Anger is insulting. Studies show that children hear less when yelled at. They learn to tune out the screamer. Children who are screamed at learn to hate themselves and then project their self-hatred onto others, especially those they view as weak or inferior. They learn, that, "Hurting people is the only way to educate them."
· NAME-CALLING. Never use words to define a child, such as stupid, idiot, selfish, evil, fat, lazy, crazy, slow, loser, pest, nudnik, failure, etc. These words will cause serious damage to the child's fragile sense of self-worth.
· CRITICIZING: Don't say, "I've told you a million times to stop!" Never mention a trait that a person has no control over or demand something they cannot achieve. This makes people lose motivation and causes them to think of themselves as stupid, worthless and incompetent.
· BELITTLING GENERALITIES: For example, "You never listen! I told you 100 times!" "You always lose things." "You can't do anything right." “No one will ever want to marry you. You’re a good-for-nothing.”
· SHAMING GESTURES: Scorn is often conveyed in gestures such as staring and eye rolling. Most communication is actually non-verbal. It is impossible to avoid conveying disappointment in a spouse, child or student.
· NEGLECT: Being ignored is a very harsh form of abuse. Children need to be touched lovingly and need to be seen, heard, understood and validated. If not, they are likely to develop social anxiety and to feel that they are worthless.
· COMPARISONS: e.g., "Why can’t you be like ____? S/he is brilliant (or "more religious, organized, popular, happy, pretty, thin, etc.")
· THREATENING: “If you don’t stop, I’ll punish you.” "I'll send you away! Go find another family! I'm running away!" [Better to say, "I need a break. I'm going for a walk." "I need to sleep."]
· EXCLUDING: There are many ways to make a child feel that he does not belong to the family and that he is unwanted in the group, such as by saying, "You're too young." "We never wanted you in the first place." "You're different from the other children." "We're fed up with you."
· LYING: This includes, a) Not keeping promises, b) Pretending that everything is fine when there is a major tragedy or disaster, c) Telling others that this child is a monster, d) not giving them important information they need to have about illness or major events.
To fight the urge to insult, talk constantly about your victories! This helps you to maintain a sense of self-worth in the face of the inevitable physical and emotional blows you will encounter from outsiders, as well as your own inner critic.
NOTE: People with personality disorders or on the autistic spectrum may not grasp the concept of emotional pain. If you say, "I feel hurt by your criticism or coldness," they may reply, "You're too sensitive. You're exaggerating. I didn't do anything wrong." They cannot "read" people's emotions or understand the importance of feelings. They get agitated when people express feelings and do not understand why others feel hurt by their behavior. Little can be done for adults with personality disorders. However, some children can be taught to be more attentive. This is a painful reality which makes using A.C.T. even more crucial.
