Communicating Effectively as Taught to me by Dr. Miriam Adahan

This is an amazing lesson which was taught to me today by my beloved teacher and therapist Dr. Miriam Adahan.

She taught me today about how we are all born with an active and working "Baby Brain" located in the back of our head just above the neck (you can feel that spot if you like with your hand).

Then at age three, our frontal brain, located behind our forehead begins to develop until maturity at age twenty (that's why in the heavenly courts, one is not yet fully held accountable until he is age 20).

In any event, we then teach our children (and ourselves) to become aware of which brain we are using at any given time. If for example you cannot have your way and then you scream and shout and hit, etc. So then you are currently using your "Baby Brain." If on the other hand you can refrain from anger, listen to your parents, not bother or annoy someone, then you are using your "Mature Grown Up Brain."

In any event, you simply teach children to recognize that every behavior or reaction of theirs is a choice. They are either choosing to use their Baby Brain or their Grown Up Brain.

Today I was in a store with my 5 and 7 year old children. When I told the 5 year old that I would buy him something, right away the 7 year old demanded that she get something too. I told her that I really can only buy this one extra item, so would she like to use her grown up brain and decide to be OK with that. She right away looked at me and gave a a nod and a yes, I will use my Grown Up brain and let it go.

Then, after getting over my shock, I decided to test this further with my 5 year old. I told him, "I know that I told you just now that I would buy you this ball, but since I cannot also buy Chana something right now, would you like to use your Grown Up Brain and put the ball back?" So he looked at me and said, "OK!" That's it, he was over it in a matter of two seconds. And he even felt good about himself for making a good decision (which I right away reinforced with a few nice words to him).

Can you believe this, it really works!!!! And, I saved myself 40 shekels today :)

Below is a guideline for talking to people. This will also tremendously affect the behavior and success of everyone around you.

(I suggest printing it out and learning it and practicing it with whomever you can.)

All the best, Yehoshua

HOW TO TALK TO PEOPLE (adapted from Sarah Chana Radcliffe):

POSITIVE TATTLING: "I'm going to tell Tatty how you helped me, what a nice bracha you said, what a big chesed you did!" "I can't wait to tell Mommy what a huge victory you had." "I’m going to call Bubby and tell  her that your smile bring joy wherever you go." “I’m going to tell your teacher that you didn’t whine or nag when I didn’t let you have what you wanted. I’m going to say how you were m’kabel ratzon Hashem.”

POSITIVE GENERALIZING: "You're always so considerate! You're so supportive. I can always count on you!" "You always know exactly the right gift to buy."  "You bring joy wherever you go!" "Your smile lights makes everyone so happy." "You're so good at calming the baby down."

BRINGING UP THE PAST: "I can never forget how thoughtful you were." "Remember that time you were so courageous?"

POSITIVE LABELING/NAME CALLING: "You're the kind of person who never gives up!" "You're so kind and caring!" "You're a lot more powerful than you know!" "As usual, you came right on time! I appreciate so much that you were prompt." "You make great decisions!" "You always come up with the best ideas." "You really know how to listen. Thank you for your empathy."

POSITIVE EXCUSES: "Don't worry. I know you were just tired and stressed. You would never hurt me on purpose. I know you had no intention to hurt."

POSITIVE COMPLAINING: "You make such great food. I'm going to gain weight. You're so kind to the kids – I hope they'll know how to handle unkind people that they'll inevitably have to deal with."

POSITIVE BLAMING: "It's all my husband's fault that I'm happy; he keeps encouraging me to do what makes me happy!" "It's my wife's fault that I'm in such a good mood. She keeps complimenting me."

POSITIVE PEACE-MAKING: "You're right. Good point."

POSITIVE REPEATING: "I can't get over how brilliant that idea is. I keep thinking about that amazing victory."

POSITIVE IN-LAW COMMENTS: "You must have gotten that wonderful trait from you Mom/Dad."

POSITIVE STUBBORNNESS: "I'll never stop loving you."

WhAT NOT TO DO! SAY "NO" TO VERBAL ABUSE

     Verbal abuse is known as ona'as devarim. Words or gestures of scorn, ridicule or contempt often causes victims to feel permanently defective and demoralized. Genuinely spiritual people can be recognized by their determination to avoid hurting others, even when – especially when! – they are under stress. To show disrespect to others is a severe sin. Recognize the signs of ona'as devarim:     

·     BLAMING: Take responsibility for your mental and physical health. Never say, "You make me crazy!" "You're killing me!" "I can't have the career I want because of you." "We're poor because of you." 

·     YELLING. Unless there is real danger, do not yell. Anger is insulting. Studies show that children hear less when yelled at. They learn to tune out the screamer. Children who are screamed at learn to hate themselves and then project their self-hatred onto others, especially those they view as weak or inferior. They learn, that, "Hurting people is the only way to educate them."  

·     NAME-CALLING. Never use words to define a child, such as stupid, idiot, selfish, evil, fat, lazy, crazy, slow, loser, pest, nudnik, failure, etc. These words will cause serious damage to the child's fragile sense of self-worth.

·       CRITICIZING: Don't say, "I've told you a million times to stop!" Never mention a trait that a person has no control over or demand something they cannot achieve. This makes people lose motivation and causes them to think of themselves as stupid, worthless and incompetent.

·       BELITTLING GENERALITIES: For example, "You never listen! I told you 100 times!"  "You always lose things."  "You can't do anything right." “No one will ever want to marry you. You’re a good-for-nothing.” 

·       SHAMING GESTURES:  Scorn is often conveyed in gestures such as staring and eye rolling. Most communication is actually non-verbal. It is impossible to avoid conveying disappointment in a spouse, child or student.

·       NEGLECT: Being ignored is a very harsh form of abuse. Children need to be touched lovingly and need to be seen, heard, understood and validated. If not, they are likely to develop social anxiety and to feel that they are worthless.

·       COMPARISONS:  e.g., "Why can’t you be like ____?  S/he is brilliant (or "more religious, organized, popular, happy, pretty, thin, etc.") 

·        THREATENING: “If you don’t stop, I’ll punish you.” "I'll send you away! Go find another family! I'm running away!" [Better to say, "I need a break. I'm going for a walk." "I need to sleep."]

·        EXCLUDING: There are many ways to make a child feel that he does not belong to the family and that he is unwanted in the group, such as by saying, "You're too young." "We never wanted you in the first place." "You're different from the other children." "We're fed up with you."

·        LYING: This includes, a) Not keeping promises, b) Pretending that everything is fine when there is a major tragedy or disaster, c) Telling others that this child is a monster, d) not giving them important information they need to have about illness or major events.

To fight the urge to insult, talk constantly about your victories! This helps you to maintain a sense of self-worth in the face of the inevitable physical and emotional blows you will encounter from outsiders, as well as your own inner critic.

  

NOTE:  People with personality disorders or on the autistic spectrum may not grasp the concept of emotional pain. If you say, "I feel hurt by your criticism or coldness," they may reply, "You're too sensitive. You're exaggerating. I didn't do anything wrong." They cannot "read" people's emotions or understand the importance of feelings. They get agitated when people express feelings and do not understand why others feel hurt by their behavior. Little can be done for adults with personality disorders. However, some children can be taught to be more attentive. This is a painful reality which makes using A.C.T. even more crucial.

Rav Yehuda Petaya and The Elderly Ba'al Teshuva

Story 1: Rav Yehuda Petaya and The Elderly Ba’al Teshuva

In the book "Minchat Yehuda" (number 86), we find the following account:

In the year 5683 (1923), I was approached by a certain older man who confessed to me that he had sinned with his daughter in law while she was married to his son. He told me that he wanted to make teshuva and atone for his sin. However, he did not possess the strength anymore to perform many fasts or to do other difficult sigufim (self-mortifications) for atonement.

I asked him if he would at very least be able to fast for one full day, similar to that of Yom Kippur? He said yes.

I told him to go and dip seven times in the mikva, and then to accept upon himself a 24 hour fast for the above mentioned sin.

I instructed him that on the day of the fast he was to come to me with a pidyon (redemption money) for the 325 fasts that were necessary to atone for the sin of being with a married woman, and that I would assist him with his tikkun, and so it was.

On the day of the fast he came to me and entered into my room. He took four steps barefoot (as a gesture of repentance) and stood in front of me and confessed his above mentioned sin. After his confession, he handed me the pidyon money and said, “Here is the pidyon money for the 325 fasts which I am required to do as atonement for my sin, please take it and distribute it as charity to whomever you wish.”

When I received the money from his hand, I said, “Behold, I am receiving this money from so and so who has given it as charity in order to redeem the remaining fasts which he is obligated to do as atonement for the sin which he sinned with his daughter in law, etc. For You hear the prayers of all mouths, blessed are You who hears prayers.

I then suspected that that this old man was very poor and actually borrowed this money from others, so I returned to him the whole amount as charity – keeping nothing but two small coins.

Two years later, this old man passed away, and I saw him in a dream standing before the Heavenly Court. He was received above as a Ba’al Teshuva, however, they found that he had only repented for the sin of being with a married woman, and was still lacking atonement for the sin of being with his daughter in law.

He was not spoken to, and he removed himself to a side room and lowered himself down to his knees. The Heavenly Court lifted their eyes upward, and three angels instantly descended from the heavens above and performed a surgery on his organ – removing from it the rust and blemish of the sin of being with his daughter in law. They then healed him completely and exited.

This is all what I saw in my dream. And from this account, one can see the great value and preciousness of teshuva, for it saved this old man of hundreds of years of kaf hakele, painful reincarnations and gehenom. Therefore our sages teach us, “Finer is one hour of repentance and good deeds in this world; then is the value of the entire World to Come.”

(Until here were the words of Rav Yehuda Petaya)

Deep Thoughts About the Purpose of Life

Words from, Rejoice O Youth! by Rav Avigdor Miller zt"l

(whoever reads these words very carefully and thinks about them, will find enough reason and encouragement to begin a whole new life dictated by total Truth and Virtue - blessings, Hazak We'ematz)

The truth is everywhere, but few men are able to see it. This world is a night of darkness; we see nothing, despite the brightness of the daylight. We move all about, all our lives, in a thick fog which conceals from our eyes all the great truths. Out of this heavy, impenetrable mist, murky phantoms loom up before us. Some terrify us, and some lure us on; but all are unreal fantasies fashioned by the fog swirls.

Sometimes the evil inclination conceals from men the fact of G-d's control over their affairs. This is the darkness which causes a man to seem to be a post, and a post to appear to be a man. Men fail to see the real perils, including the waste of their lives, which is a loss never to be regained; but they see only the imaginary forms of happiness, theories of error, and the threat to their economic security. Thus men are affrighted by the phantoms of poverty which the Evil Inclination conjures up and by this means enslaves them to the pursuit of security. For this, they forsake their sole purpose in life, which is the pursuit of Perfection; and they pursue the illusion of security. 

Sometimes, for a fleeting moment, the fog lifts, such as when men are about to leave the world, or in times of catastrophe or great excitement. For a brief interval the light appears; but again the mist closes in, and men continue their blind march in the dark.

This universal darkness and error is essential to the World-Plan, and it has been so arranged by the Creator: 'You make darkness, and it becomes night' (Psalms 104:20); 'This refers to this world, which is like the night' (Bava Metzia 83 b). In this blackness, men are led into two errors (Mesillas Yesharim): 1) They fail to see the truth and 2) they believe the imaginary phantoms to be real. Thus, the nations have adored men who were worthless; and they vilified some men of great virtue.

youth: "But why should the Creator permit this force to exist?"

sage: "Because it is of the greatest benefit to mankind."

youth: "The greatest enemy, which distorts all the truths of life, is the greatest benefit?"

sage: "Yes. The purpose of life is to practice Free-Will. G-d does not wish to force men into righteousness, for then the entire plan would be frustrated. But if men were not blinded by the Evil Inclination, they could not avoid seeing the truths. They would recognize G-d from the overwhelming and incontrovertible demonstration of plan-and purpose everywhere in the world,they would recognize Man's role as the sole recipient of G-d's unbounded kindliness, they would understand the end-purpose of the Afterlife, and they would see the true function of life as the pursuit of virtue and Perfection. G-d said: 'No man shall see Me and live' (Shemot 33:20); for such clarity of perception would hamper the Free-Will, without which life would be useless. 'You impose darkness and it is night' (Psalms 104:20). This world has been made dark by G-d, for if men could see the whole Truth, they could no longer act except in accordance with it. Virtue would be as natural as the instinct of self-preservation. It would not be the result of men's Free-Will. The concealing of all these truths creates the ordeal of Free-Will."

Men are so blind that they do not see their own faults, for even the lowest criminals regard themselves as good men. The greatest are sometimes deceived by this darkness. The wise and noble brothers of Joseph considered him a wicked man who deserved to be destroyed, despite the fact that they had seventeen years to observe his behavior. Even our father Issac was unable to discern the wickedness of Esau, who had lived in his house for over sixty years; and he wished to confer the blessings upon him.

Even the physical world is totally concealed from our eyes. By day we see an empty sky; and we forget that huge worlds hover overhead in space. Even at night we are deceived; for unless we look through the giant telescopes, we cannot visualize the vast numbers of the celestial bodies. Without the aid of the microscope, our eyes do not see the teeming millions of bacteria swarming upon our bodies, upon our clothing, and in the air we breathe... Even we, today, are completely unaware of numerous physical phenomena, before our eyes, which will be revealed in later generations. If such ignorance is possible in material things, then how great is the ignorance of men in the non-physical truths!

Rabbotai, we want the whole world to come and pray with us for one day; for on that one day, there will be peace in the entire world! Reb Shlomo Carlebach zt"l

Benefits to Living in Israel

All the blessings of the Land will open up for you when you come here. 

Making Aliya is a leap of faith. It has to come from you, when you decide and truly believe that Hashem desires closeness with you. 

The best feeling for a parent is to know that their children are home and safe.

Israel is the Holy Land and Jerusalem is the Kings Royal City. We are His children and He wants us all to come back home. 

Leave the dark and scary streets of the 70 nations and come back to our happy and loving home.

"The air of Eretz Yisrael makes one wise"

(Bava Batra 158b)

"It is preferable to dwell in the deserts of Eretz Yisrael than the palaces of Chutz LaAretz"

(Bereshit Rabba 39:8)

"Fortunate is he who merits in his lifetime to fix his residence in Eretz HaKodesh"

(Zohar HaKadosh III 72b)

"And remove from your heart this false belief that a man has more blessings outside the land"

(Alshich HaKadosh, Ki Tavo 28:6)

"Living in Eretz Yisrael is the equivalent of all the Mitzvot in the Torah"

(Sifrei, Parashat Re'e, Tosefta Avoda Zara 5)

"There is no happiness, but only when Yisrael is settled in the Holy Land"

(Zohar HaKadosh, Bamidbar 118a)

"He who lives in Eretz Yisrael should be perpetually happy with this Mitzvah, and all the suffering he experiences should be insignificant to him in light of his love for this Mitzvah"

(Pele Yoetz, Eretz)

"Anyone who dwells in Eretz Yisrael, the very Land attones for him"

(Sifrei, Haazinu)

"Only in Eretz Yisrael can happiness be complete; and it is also possible to sanctify oneself with great kedusha, something that is impossible in foreign lands"

(Rabbi Elimelech MiLizensk)

"Eretz Yisrael lacks nothing"

(Brachot 36)

If you'd like to find out more about making the move and buying a property in Israel, contact my good friend Aaron Morgan:

Morgan Mortgage
Habasor 10/2, Beit Shemesh, 99632, Israel
Tel: 02-992-4137
Cel: 0525-688-940
USA Tel:        1-914-339-0583

Canada  Tel:  1-647-558-4952

Israel Fax: 153-2-992-4137 (Fax must be sent from Israel)

US Fax: 1-208-247-4561

Email: aaron@morganmortgage.co.il

Please visit our website at: www.morganmortgage.co.il

The Eyes

We will begin by taking a look at a few ideas from the second chapter of the sefer Kav HaYashar: 

King David, peace be upon him, said in Tehillim (119:37), "Avert my eyes from seeing vanity, cause me to live in Your ways." A person must know that many things depend on sight. Therefore it seems to me that if upon arising from sleep one's gaze falls upon the house, one should reflect that the Holy one blessed is He gave us the mitzvah of affixing a mezuzah to the entryway and the mitzvah of making a ma'akeh (a parapet) around the roof, as it is written, "And you shall make a parapet for your roof" (Devarim 22:8).

And if upon going out the doorway he encounters clean animals, fit to be offered as sacrifices, let him reflect that the Holy One Blessed is He commanded us to offer sacrifices. And if he encounters impure domesticated or wild animals let him reflect that it is forbidden to consume them. Similarly, if he meets a gentile let him reflect that it is forbidden to intermarry with them.

In short, each person should engage in reflection according to his knowledge and learning. This is a very great matter, for in this way one clothes his eyes with sanctity regarding everything they behold.

The converse is also true. Just as one who gazes at holy matters creates a garment of sanctity for his faculty of sight, so too when a man allows himself to gaze at forbidden sights and strange women, he clothes himself in deep defilement, Heaven forbid.

A solid proof that sight has the power to cause harm to the viewer himself as well as others can be adduced from the bird called the bas haya'anah. This bird's eggs lie in front of the mother while she stares at them, piercing them with her gaze until a chick emerges from each one. In the chapters to come I will bring demonstrations of further insights into this matter.

For this reason our sages of blessed memory (Avoda Zara 20a) erected a protective fence forbidding a man from gazing upon anything that is liable to bring him to sin. For instance, he is forbidden from gazing at women and girls lest he be guilty of wasting seed. This is what King David had in mind when he wrote, "Avert my eyes from seeing vanity, cause me to live in your ways" (Tehillim 119:37). The numetical value for the word shav, "vanity,"

is 307, represented by the letters shin zayin, which is also the acronym for the term shichvas zera, "spilling seed." (Dovid prayed that his eyes should not behold anything that could lead to shichvat zera.) This is a bold hint.

It seems to me further that because Lilis and her cohorts are called "pangs of vanity" (shav) and also "pangs of death", as is mentioned several times in the Zohar (I:12b; II:33a), therefore David prayed, saying, "Cause me to live in Your ways." That is, he asked to be influenced by the side of life and not the side of death, Heaven forbid.

The authors of the ethical literature write of a wonderful strategy for avoiding this sin: Let a man envision to himself continually that Hashem's four letter name is written before him in black ink upon parchment, in keeping with the verse, "I have placed Hashem (i.e., the four-letter name) before me continually" (Tehillim 16:8). This is the principle that King David alludes to in the verse, "My eyes are always directed towards Hashem, for He will free my feet from the net" (Tehillim 25:15). The meaning should be obvious.

... Come take a look at what is stated in the Zohar, parashas Pikudei (263b). There it tells of an angel called Patos who seduces (mefateh) men to gaze at and examine that which is not necessary for them in an adulterous and wanton manner. After a man dies and is buried in the grave this angel then comes and restores to him his soul, after which he takes hold of him cruelly and brakes the sockets of his eyes and plucks out his eyes. Later on the man is sentenced to terrible afflictions and then lowered into a pit filled with snakes and scorpions, which attack him and execute upon him terrible judgments, Heaven spare us!

... It follows from the above that a person must be very protective of his faculty of sight.